Reggie Oglesby has over 15 years experience with internet dating sites and we have invited Reggie to contribute to our weekly emails to introduce himself and to promote his book on internet dating tips. You can find this at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1492124907/we02bd-20 . Reggie also offers consultancy advice on VISA’s into USA. This is Reggies contribution this week:
I get a lot of questions from men and women regarding Online Dating. I always ask them first, “why are you here”? You would be surprised at the variety of responses, but more surprisingly how many people do not really understand the concept of Internet Online Dating that leads to marriage. Most do get the part that online dating sites is a unique medium to find and meet people as far as introductions go. What they neglect to consider is that once you find a person of interest, the Online Dating part takes place. What does that mean? It means a man and woman have to conduct their dating ritual of becoming acquainted and discovering each other through their correspondence or chats online versus doing it in person. The majority of people never do that and why so many Online Dating relationships fail. If you are not going to put forth the effort to communicate your character, personality, likes, dislikes, needs, dreams, desires, etc. to each other, then how on earth can you realistically think you can find a serious enough dialogue to find marriage together? It is just not going to happen!
I will tell any man or woman who is using Online Dating to find a marriage partner, ACT like it! I am sick and tired of the men who post profiles who are in reality the “sex tourist” breed scoping out Ukraine women to go meet and have a good time, offering false promises, many acting like jerks and ruining any chance for those of us truly seeking a wife. And the same can be said of women who post online, looking for a man to offer them a good time, buy them expensive gifts or take them on grand holidays and have NO real intentions of seeking a marriage partner at all, again ruining the chances for men seeking and hoping to find their second half. Even worse, the woman who does not value or appreciate the extreme expense a man goes through to even find a quality woman online, daring to call him “cheap”, when in fact all is FREE for her. It is offensive and insulting to a man when he is paying for it all. Women need to understand, ONLY when you are in committed relationship (having met) can you feel any entitlement for money, gifts, travel, etc. Not before or only if man feels inspired to offer generosity of his heart to you. Love is not by any demand, it is freely given and accepted. To the both types of people, I simply say “get the hell off this marriage site and post on an adult site if you seek entertainment!” Neither type have any business posting profiles when the goal is for people to find their marriage partners. Sadly, that is part of the corruption that exists within the industry. It has to STOP! I, for my part, will do everything in my power to expose such people, men or women, to help educate others. It is why I have garnered the reputation over the years of being named Scam Hunter.
I am here to help educate men and women to how properly to find and meet quality people to consider as a marriage partner. First off, it takes being honest about who you are and what you seek and being able to communicate that to each other. Secondly, it is about respect to one another. If a man or woman takes the time and effort to find dialogue with you, then respond in kind. My letters to a a woman is always filled with details, information and photos to help them know who I am. A woman should offer as much of the same back to a man to help him understand who she is, as she is able to write. You have to put forth the effort people or you will not find love. Think about it? You get a letter that tells nothing or one that gives some idea the type person you will find. Which letter interests you the most? And which one basically you discard? Being lazy in communications does not cut it when you are seeking marriage. Are you lazy to a man or woman you find interest in when dating in real life? I think not! So why be lazy online? You have to think out of the box people! My sister met her husband online and been happily married over 9 years now, you see the happiness in their faces. They did it right! So can you, if you just take it serious. I am afraid many of you men and women here, see it more as a low level endeavor than a high priority and so your communications to each other reflect it. STOP IT! You want a spouse, then make that effort or simply remove your profile.
I am here as a paying member, just like you. I endorse Keith’s site because it is one of the rare ones which actually makes an effort to profile people seeking marriage. Of course, people often prove they should not be there and at least he will seek to remove those “players” when reported. I don’t get any compensation for sharing my thoughts, but I am experienced enough to help people like you avoid the common mistakes online and know how to find that right person. I have seen and used many sites in the past, none can even compare to www.ukrainebridesagency.com efforts to provide an honest chance for men and women to find love. I am still searching for mine and have found a few women from Keith’s site I feel are a good possibility and I am awaiting his matchmaking results as we speak! The site is not perfect and I don’t always agree with Keith, but for the money, this is one of the rare sites that can help you find love and mean it! Good luck to you all in your search!
Nadezhda is a romantic who enjoys writing poetry and painting. She loves travelling and experiencing different cultures. In her free time, she volunteers at local shelters, practices yoga, and loves quiet moments with a good book and a cup of herbal tea.
Marriage counselors list several topics that a man and a woman who are considering marriage should discuss before the big day. And you list several… Hopes and dreams for the future; finances; children; religion; values, expectations and priorities; sex… It is easy to find the full program listed on the internet for those who are serious. I think some people make the mistake of talking only sex, because after all that is the fun topic. But believe me, full disclosure in all of these areas is critical, and your time of correspondence is a perfect time to discuss them. Better to learn the bitter truth now than to find that you’ve put the ring on the finger of someone who is wrong for you.
Thanks Tim
we agree with you 100%
unfortunately we have many men who seem to be only interested in the sex side of a relationship and ignore all the other facets of a successful relationship
We try to convey this always as we are a genuine and caring site
Thanks again
I have been doing this ‘Internet Dating’ for two years on this and other sites. I am not a sex pest, sex tourist, flirter or attention seeker. I am looking for a wife. I have spent an enormous amount of money on it, for zero result. I did not realize the ladies don’t have to pay for the service, so it is not surprising now that I am still single. Why bother with me, when for exactly the same investment, someone nicer may come along.
I am a single parent with one child, and I can’t just drop him and go for a holiday on the other side of the planet. If I want to meet a lady, she will have to come here. I have met some ladies online, and have exhausted all topics of conversation with them, and finally, when they are invited to visit, they disappear, or decline. I have made it clear, if they come here, they will be my guest, they will be accomodated not in my home so there is no pressure on either party and we can concentrate on getting to know each other. I offer to bring their children if they have any, as they are a part of the equation if the lady has them. I make it clear thihs will be my ‘shout’. There are no language problems as I speak and write fluent Russian. This is not an advantage. In fact, I don’t tell the ladies now that I can speak Russian, as they seem to disappear at once. Maybe they think I’m a spy or something. I made my offer to bring them here after knowing them for about 3 months. Not one has accepted. Two I never heard from again.
I find it hard to keep coming back, when the result is always the same. Einstein defined insanity as the practice of doing something the same way, and expecting a different result.
I am always polite. I am always interested in what the lady has to say. I try to leave the words ‘I’, ‘me’ and ‘myself’ out of letters and chats. I ask questions, and ask more questions about the answers. If I don’t understand something I say so, and ask the lady to reply again, and use Russian. Translation programs are really poor translators and often mistranslate messages in both directions. This can take a frustratingly long time, such that most of the chat time I have payed for is really time burned waiting for two translations. Often the result is garbled or just not understandable.
It is hard for an older man to accept this new dating scene. Mentally this is hard. Men are supposed to be able to go out and find a mate, attract someone themselves. That’s how it has always been done. Joining a dating site is an admission of failure in a basic male task. If they fail here, as I have so far, the fear of failure can be paralysing, and they lose interest, as I have. It’s hard to keep turning up to an empty inbox, or another empty, going nowhere chat. I do not use the camera features as I believe I am not very attractive to look at and I will scare away more than I will attract.
In my time on dating sites, I have had letters go unanswered, chats that fell out, or, as with one lady, on this site, the chat never started. I invited the lady to chat, she accepted. I introduced myself, no answer. I told her where I was from, no answer. I tried again in Russian. After several minutes, she left the chat without ever saying a word. It left me wondering what I had done wrong, and burned my cash for nothing. No refund.
That I have not uncovered a potential mate in two years, when there are about a quarter of a million ladies on the sites I am registered with, makes me think this doesn’t work. Your admission that you have been doing this for 15 years, and are still looking, makes me think this doesn’t work. I have seen only one wedding picture, on any site, from a happy couple, in two years. This site does not have any. Where are all the happy people glowing with love?
I no longer write to ladies first. If they write to me I write back. I got tired of writing letters that never received a reply. I have no limits about age, as a potential partner could be any age. I am not fazed by children. I am polite. I do not ever try to engage a conversation about sex. Yet I am still single, and no nearer finding a mate than the day I joined.
I think you should make it clear to the men that the ladies are not paying anything. I was shocked and hurt by this information. I have never been to a brothel, but now I feel I have. I can enjoy some female company, only while I keep paying, and do all the paying. The lady can accept a chat and keep doing her nails for a real date with a real man, and the poor bastard paying has no idea. The lady could be on commision for all the man knows, and on some sites they probably are. The only reason I am still here is I have some unused credits, and maybe, one day, someone real, and interesting and interested might happen along, but I’m not counting on it. As I see it, internet dating, or more reasonably internet penfriending, doesn’t work. There is no human contact. It’s not possible for reasonable people to fall in love with a picture on a computer screen, or experience affection from a letter written by a stranger they’ve never met. If it were possible to fall in love with a picture I would be writing to Lara Croft.
Internet introductions – much expectation, very much expense, the greatest disappointment.
Good luck with your search mate, mine is over.
Glenn
Hi Glenn
Thank you for your comments.
Every serious dating sites charge by the minute to pay the minute for chats. This is to cover the cost of the host chatting system (yes we must pay for this – it is not part of our site. You transfer to a chat site while chatting and revert back to us when you finish). Sites that offer you a monthly package for unlimited chatting dont care what happens from the point. Money is their main concern.
Also, agencies have fees that they must cover and if you get unlimited chatting each month for a set fee are you dealing with a reputable site or agency?
Check our prices – no joining fee, no monthly subscription, no recurring fees and the least expensive letters and chat costs.
The average salary in Ukraine is $400 per month – PER MONTH! if we charge ladies to use the site they simply cant afford it and will leave. That would be sad as these are the exact ladies who are genuinely searching for a foreign husband.
The only ladies who could afford to stay on the site and pay to use it are those ladies who see the site as a money making venture – scammers. They will work as hard as they can to earn an income from disreputable agencies.
We have considered many different options that allow us to provide the service and stay in business. We must pay the chat system providers, hosting company (server costs), design and maintenance, office costs, wages, internet fees, .bank fees, etc. If we can arrange a better package that suits all stakeholders, including men, we will implement it, no problem.
On our site you use it at the cost and rate that is suitable for you. You have no joining fees or monthly subscriptions and you can leave at any time.
Many men criticise us but they have never been to meet their ladies. They have heard stories about being left stranded in Ukraine as the lady did not show. This will not happen with us as we prearrange all meetings, arrange your travel and accommodation, greet you when you arrive and give you 24 hour support by mobile phone. try us before you criticise us. You will find that we are different.
Also, too many older men try and select a lady that is 30+ years younger – it will not work. Stay within a 15 year age difference and you will have greater chances of success. This is our experience and advice. Use the control section of your profile (refer your control panel) and change the settings so that you can contact ladies first (they cant until you contact them) and change the age range in your search settings.
You are in control with us – you choose how you wish to use the system.
We are about to launch a new chat system that should eliminate any issues you are having in chat, We also have a chat help section that you can refer to if you have a problem – or write to us and will we be very happy to help.
Also, on our site, if your letter is unanswered after 7 days you get your credits back automatically for the unanswered message.
Yes, there are many sites that are pure scam and they have left a bad taste and reticence with many men. We guarantee that you will be looked after with care and support
Thanks again for the post
I noticed a couple issues/explanation that really does not add up.
First, if an agency has a set fee for chat, that does not mean they are honest or dishonest. Maybe they are able to negotiate a rate that enables them to do that. I have noticed on your site a lot of women want to chat. Does this mean your site is dishonest. For a lot of men, this is the first sign of a scam agency.
Personally, I do not see any relationship moving to a point of a visit, unless there are multiple chat sessions over time. If the site wants to promote relationships, they will find alternatives for the relationship to grow without using the pay-per-minute approach. If the site wants to make money, keep your same pay-per-minute approach.
It does not matter at all what other sites do. Do not emulate their business model. Use your own. To say other websites charge by the minute and that is what makes them serious is one lame excuse. Dream Marriage charges by the minute and they are the biggest scam in international dating.
As far as charging the ladies, that is a just silly. The men are limited to the number of ladies they can talk to due to financial constraints. The ladies have no such limitation. What would happen if you limited the number of men that a lady can communicate with? Of course, you will not do that since that will hurt your revenue stream. The ladies need to have responsibilities, and that does not mean charging them. But, right now, agencies like this one do not want to put limits on the ladies and they want a revenue stream from the men.
How many of the ladies know how to use a translation service on the internet? If the man paid for the ladies contact details, they could chat and then the relationship can grow. But, for some relationships, there is a language barrier. If the ladies know how to use this site, require them to know how to use translation services offered by some technologies like Skype. Then, the man/lady can chat without paying per minute. You make money by the men purchasing contact information, the relationship can grow and everyone is better off. If the two of them decide to meet, the agency can coordinate and then the agency can make money as well.
There are definitely ways to improve this site. The site does not pass the initial ‘smell test’ and thus I am sure there are fewer men. With fewer men comes fewer ladies. I have noticed on your Facebook page a ladies registers and within a short time, say a couple months, she is gone. If there were a lot of men here, that wouldn’t be the case.
There are some aspects of this site which are fair and reasonable. But, since this site also has some aspects similar to other sites, men will stay away.
I would like to take issue with what Abe has to say about this website. The setting of a fee for a service and advertising that fee is nothing other than honest. How many adverts do you see for products without prices and you go away or do not purchase the product. The price is there for all to see. What more do you want?
As for the site wanting the relationship to grow they do have alternatives. Buy her contact details and write to her or if she speaks English call her on the phone. You can also use Skype. If your lady does not have Skype it is free to download an even offer to pay for the service from your end. It will be much cheaper than the $1 a minute.
Abe you spoke about how the men are limited by financial constraints in speaking with the number of ladies. This may be true in some cases but it is not in mine. Also consider this how many other sites is your lady on, either through her own initiative or through her agency. If you want to find out open the the site in Google chrome and right click on the picture and do a Google image search for your lady. You will be surprised at what you can find out and see if it tally’s with what you lady is telling you.
You cannot possibly know how many men your lady is speaking to also you do not know what ‘rules’ the lady has to do in order to be on this site or registered with the agency. So why blame the site? That is just unfair.
There are sites around who only allow the ladies to speak to one man at a time. You pay something like $1700 US to join the site however. You need to ask yourself what does that mean exactly. That the lady can only speak to one man on THAT site at once. If she is on 30 other sites what is the point of the $1700.
I do think than an improvement to the site could be this. If after speaking to the lady of your choice for say 1 month you can buy the contact details and if you then wish to have a video chat you can and the cost to the agency would be the cost of the translator for which you would pay. the cost of the skype call would of course come out of your own Skype account. I think the loss in revenue would be outweighed by the increasing number of through traffic.
As for why so many ladies are on so many sites it is because of us men. 98% of the men the woman speak to say they will come and never show up. So you get 2 men out of 100. How many of them are not what they appear to be in there profile pics on in letters or chats. They could turn out to be some fat smelly bald headed old fart. Now what woman would want to have anything to do with that?
I am 6’6″ and very fat. My lady has pictures of me and she tells me it is not a problem. I still have trouble believing her because I come from a western culture. She now has me in a competition to go swimming each day as she tells me she wants me healthy for her son. Today for example we were supposed to have a chat and she told me she was too busy with easter. So i ask you Abe if she was into scamming why would she turn down at chat?
However do your homework. backwards trace email and phone numbers. Check the litgit scam reporting sights, google her first letters, do what I did get the Ukrainian phone book from the internet and find an english speaking private detective to do a background check on her. Yes a proper one is expensive but it is cheaper than the plane fare which for me is $A5000.
Do you notice Abe that I use my full name. Why because I have nothing to hide.
Abe,
One thing that struck me while reading your comments was that ladies might be gone within a few months, but you can’t say that it’s absolutely because of the site, or maybe it is- Maybe it’s the women who use this as a revenue stream that leave quickly because they get no revenue, if that’s the case then why complain? No one understands how expensive chats can get better than I do so I came up with my own system of determining whether the lady in question is worth putting more time and money into. When I get a chat request the first thing I do is look at her profile, if she’s a possible match for me then I’ll go to chat, keep it short, ask her a few questions and ask that she responds in a letter. When I receive the letter and the questions aren’t answered or the topics aren’t breached in any way I eliminate correspondence with her. Sure, I may eliminate some that are serious but, in my view, if she’s that serious then my questions will be answered. Second, stick to letters but make them with substance. A letter is the same as a 10 minute chat but you can go much further in depth, then after a few letters back and forth chat is a great way for every day conversation and interaction. Each person will have their own method and I just wanted to share mine.
Chris
Hi Guys
I just wanted to say a bit about my experience using this site and also with talking with Keith on the phone. Regarding this site. The charges are all upfront with nothing hidden charges. Yet pay for what you use and only what you use. Yes I think 1 credit a minute is a bit steep for a video chat if you just want a pen pal. If however you are looking for a wife than who cares? I came with with an attitude i wonder if this will work. I started speaking to several women 2 mainly with a couple of back ups. There was one woman who i really liked but took me a couple of weeks to get up the courage to send her a nudge. Much to my surprise she nudged me back with a letter. I am not to most attractive person you have ever seen and i am very much overweight but I put up honest photos in my profile. We got chatting and a couple of things that i noticed in her letters to me were that in two of them she used the exact same paragraph and she sent me one long letter with descriptions about giving presents. This all said red flag to me so I rang Keith and spoke to him a couple of times. i got a letter back from the girl saying that the agency had rung her at 9pm and was asking all sorts of personal questions about the correspondance between us. Now it turns out that it was a misunderstanding on MY PART. The lady did nothing wrong at all. I rang and emailed keith to let him know. What sort of agency would have one of their Ukraine agencies ring the girl at 9pm to check up on things if they were playing games or scamming you. We now chat every day through the agency and she tells me to have short chats so i do not waste all of my money on chats. I have her cell phone and email address and i have sent emails and had replies outside of the agency. I intend to go and see her in the middle of June this year. On two separate occasions she has told me off in our letters when i have said something stupid. I think this is the sign of an honest woman. If she was a scammer would she take the risk of loosing my income?
The most important thing show her that you are serious. I have told her about how i live, my financial situation to show her that i can support her and her child. Yesterday we spent most of the chat talking about the problems some russian/ukrainian brides get themselves into with not nice men. In all of our conversations i have never once mentioned sex although she brought up to topic to say that she was only interested in sex after marriage. having has some bloke get her pregnant and run off that is understandable I think. If I wanted sex i have a check book. have empathy try to see it from their side. Be realistic guys. I am 40 this year, single and have a good business and I am financially stable. So i do some research about the situation in Ukraine, why women want western men and are the Ukrainian men as bad as what they say. In a nut shell they are looking for a better life for themselves and their current or future children. They are looking for a decent, honest man who will show them respect and empathy, a soul mate. Most importantly they are looking for love. Most Ukrainian girls do not want to leave Ukraine despite what you here. Would you leave everything you own, your family and friends to live with a man you have meet on the internet? More importantly would you fly over to his country to meet him if he cannot be bothered to come and see you first. Guys if you think that you are asking to be let down. Pick someone close to age as you would in your own country 5 years is good. I know Keith will disagree with me but i want someone I have something in common with. I want to grow old together and I do not want to have to worry about a 40 year old woman when i am seventy.
Give your lady the information she asks and try to have empathy. Ask your self what would you like to know if you were in their shoes. The other day i sent over some legal advice about what happens to property in Australia if we get divorced. Why do i broach these issues? to show that she will not be stuck here if things do not work out without any sort of money and two to show that i a taking a risk at loosing a lot of things i have worked hard for to get. To try to show that we both are taking risks on many levels but if you just talk to your lady honestly these things can be worked out. I am learning russian so I can speak with my lady directly and she always wants to know what new works i have learnt. Guys I cannot say that scammers are not about or that they do not end up on this site. There are lots of men who are out to scam the women too. It works both ways. Be honest about yourself, be realistic in you age difference and talk to your lady. For example my lady is on over 24 different web sites. Yes that is a lot and she has been looking for over 3 years. You can get two conclusions from this. 1 she is a scammer or serial dater out to get what ever she can from western men or 2 that she is looking for her soul mate and future partner to her and her child so she is a lot of sites looking and hoping. How does she know what site her future partner will find her on? how many sites are you on. How many women are you talking to at once? You can not have it both ways. I want my lady to keep talking to all of her nudges because if she wants me when she meets me than I will know it is real. I asked her the other day if I could have a present and she asked me what I would like. Now I do not know where this will end but I would be happy to post my results here for you. My advice is this small age gap, be sincere and honest, put your money where you mouth is. Send practical presents. even a CD voucher is much better than a bunch of flowers. If she has children CD vouchers work well and write on the card this is for X or Y. Ask about her, her parents, family and friends. You should be looking for a life partner not a one night stand. Budget for $10000 for the exercise. If that is a problem keep looking at home. Most of that cost is not the dating site it is the air plane tickets the visits(probably 2-3) and the visa. Good luck with your search guys.
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