Last week I received a message from a gentleman who wrote, “I don’t like hurting somebody’s feelings. How do I reject a woman after one date in a polite way if I know it won’t work between us?” To help more men understand how to handle online dating, I have asked this gentleman if I can share my answer on this blog, and the good news is that he is happy for me to do so.
Disinterest is closure.
As a process, dating could feel like a series of little breakups, which is one of the realities that people have to face before finding the one. You might feel rejected at times, and you might cause others to feel rejected. That can prevent you from going out on dates, as you don’t like the idea of ghosting someone or fading if the date doesn’t go very well. Nevertheless, I think many people use the word ‘ghosting’ too much. After the first date, you aren’t even entitled to call somebody a ghost. At this point, disinterest is the closure that you need, because that’s clear and simple.
If a woman asks if she can see you again but you don’t feel it, you could simply say, “Thank you for the good time, but I didn’t feel the connection. I wish you all the best.” This is a way to exit gracefully while saying something positive. Meanwhile, you are straightforward and honest, so you don’t owe anyone any further explanation.
What if she doesn’t want to have a second date with you?
Now let’s look at a different scenario: After Gerald goes on a few dates with a woman, she disappears, and that is a pattern that has been repeating in his love life. Gerald is concerned and would like to know what to do when it comes to online dating in this regard. Therefore, I asked Gerald to ask himself this question: “If I observed that date as an objective 3rd party, what advice would I give myself? Is there anything that I should improve?” This is an opportunity to pinpoint something that disrupts his love life and identify an area for growth.
For example, if you like texting and the woman you are dating currently doesn’t, it probably only means that you are incompatible in this area. However, if you are relentlessly texting a woman as there isn’t much going on in your life, this is obviously an area for growth, for this indicates your life isn’t as interesting as it should be.
Speaking of how to get your mind off a woman who doesn’t want to see you again, you have to realise that she has zero potential. In the meantime, everybody else in this world has more potential than her now. She is a full stop, whilst everybody else is a question mark at this stage.
What if you keep thinking about the conversations that you had with her on the date?
Another common issue that many men on online dating sites deal with is thinking about the conversations that they had with someone on a date repeatedly. Further examination shows that this problem is caused by hypervigilance. If you keep thinking about conversations that you’ve had with somebody previously, you are actually mentally checking what happened. That’s a kind of paranoia.
Personally, I had this issue before as well. My counsellor told me that hypervigilance is caused by trauma that happened in the past, and everyone has had some sort of trauma in their history. My counsellor recommended exercise and meditation to me, and I find these techniques very helpful.
“Let the symptoms be there so they can disappear gradually,” says the counsellor. “Stop blaming yourself. The way to deal with your thinking is to find an alternative, such as meditation, so you can control or contain your thinking. If meditation becomes less effective, just focus on the effort without looking for a solution.”
Sometimes when you let your thoughts be there, they stop bothering you, and then you will have a better mindset to keep working on yourself and find a happy relationship through online dating.
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Olga loves travelling and learning about different cultures. She enjoys taking photos, trying new foods, and spending time outdoors. A skilled writer, Olga is a language enthusiast as well. She enjoys meeting new people from around the world and trying out new recipes in her kitchen.
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