Breakup recovery: The support you deserve before starting internet dating

After breaking up with someone and ending a toxic relationship, you would be well-advised to treat yourself with the same love and care that you would treat other people. If you were married to an energy vampire, you may need to delete your Cluster B ex from your social media and your phone’s contact list (and block them if it’s necessary), especially when you left a toxic relationship and you don’t have children who must see both you & your ex, because you need the peace that y

• You have to put your own emotional needs first.

Actually, my friend Vicky was married to a Cluster B (AKA energy vampire). Vicky was financially abused, manipulated and used by her ex. In fact, her ex married her because she lent him a large amount of money that her mother gave her as her parents were looking to buy a house in the town that she was living in at that time (he was thinking… “This woman is a keeper as it’s so easy to get what I want from her”). Instead of being grateful and returning the money, he thought she must be naïve and could be bullied easily. However, Vicky is a smart cookie who figured it out pretty quickly – on their first anniversary, he sent Vicky to a big city so that Vicky could set up a business for him. After living in the big city alone for a while, Vicky figured things out because she had enough time to think about what happened and what’s happening. When her ex-husband went to the big city later on, the dynamics changed already – but he was unaware of it. Vicky went to see a psychologist who told her that she shouldn’t let her ex-husband know that she has found a full-time job in the big city because he would exploit her if he knew that she had a real job in that city. As a result, Vicky didn’t tell her ex-husband where she went every day (she basically told him that she went out to look for a job and/or she only had a casual job which didn’t pay her well). 

During those months, her ex-husband’s real inner world was exposed. He started to blame her for not having a real job (he never had a real job in the first place), although she already set up a business for him because she is well-educated and more capable than him. One day in order to stop him from blaming her for not having a full-time job and ending the conflict on the spot, Vicky said, “Yesterday I went to a job interview at XYZ company. That’s a well-known organization” (which was actually true because Vicky was looking to change jobs at that time.) In that moment, her ex-husband’s attitude changed immediately – he brought her ice cream from the fridge downstairs and smiled like the sunshine in Greece, even though Vicky had a toothache that day and couldn’t eat ice cream. Apparently, the next day Vicky didn’t receive a phone call from XYZ company, so when her ex-husband assumed that she was expecting him to bring her ice cream again, her ex-husband literally said, “You expect me to bring ice cream to you? Based on what?” (As a matter of fact, Vicky wasn’t even thinking about ice cream at all.)

As I’m typing this blog post right now, Vicky has been divorced for eight years already. Now she is a free woman. A few weeks ago, she saw her ex-husband in the street accidentally – she heard his voice first, and then noticed him – he was chatting with two guys loudly (he was showing off his business). But he couldn’t recognize her at all because Vicky isn’t someone that he would look at in the street – Vicky isn’t an extremely good-looking woman (she is incredibly intelligent). Her ex-husband only looks at very beautiful women and he wouldn’t even look at her, so of course, he was unable to recognize Vicky. Vicky isn’t his type. End of story.

“He hasn’t changed at all. He still looks the same. The way he talks is also the same,” says Vicky, “I don’t think people around him will stay in any sort of relationship with him for a long time because historically, nobody could.” Vicky has changed a lot – now she is a totally different woman: She has changed industries (now she has a new job and has a side hustle that definitely works pretty well). She is 10 times more empowered that who she was several years ago. Because Vicky is my friend, I told her to put her emotional needs first. “The best defense is a reasonably good offense,” I said to her, “All you need to do is to put your emotional needs first. When an energy vampire asks you to do something that you really don’t want to do, just say no. In this way, you can set healthy boundaries. Meanwhile, energy vampires, Cluster Bs and other predators will not get close to you because they only get close to people who don’t have boundaries – that was exactly why your ex-husband married you in the first place.”

After getting a divorce, Vicky has had a few relationships, though none of those was right in reality. But she wouldn’t say those relationships are not valuable because there are various shades of gray (Vicky doesn’t have black-and-white thinking anymore after consulting with the psychologist). Now she is ready to start internet dating and meet someone that she admires.

• Consider professional support from a psychologist.

Vicky’s life is pretty good now because of her psychologist. Therefore, if you also need some breakup recovery support, please consider seeing a psychologist who understands what you went through. Give yourself the time that you deserve and then you will be ready to start internet dating on our platform. ?

“A breakup makes you become smarter, wiser and more mature. Learn the lessons and move on.”

Olga P

Olga loves travelling and learning about different cultures. She enjoys taking photos, trying new foods, and spending time outdoors. A skilled writer, Olga is a language enthusiast as well. She enjoys meeting new people from around the world and trying out new recipes in her kitchen.