Internet dating: Communication is the key to success

August 8, 2021 at 11.56am by in Dating advice
online dating

Recent research indicates that an increasing number of guys in western countries are looking for Eastern European ladies via online dating. Further research shows that more and more western men have had confusing experiences with western women, so they are looking elsewhere nowadays. Well, it’s nobody’s fault, but why can’t western women ask for what they want in relationships?

  • Why western women don’t ask for what they want:

HBR published an article called ‘Nice Girls Don’t Ask’ in which the author states that women tend to get what they settle for at work, partly because women oftentimes are socialized from a young age not to promote their own interests and to focus on other people’s needs instead, and partly because many organizations’ culture actually penalize women when they do ask. Interestingly, many women not only don’t ask for what they want in the workplace, but also don’t ask for what they want in romantic relationships. In contrast, men ask for a lot more at work and at home!

First of all, women may become frustrated by having to spell out what they desire, whilst men get frustrated by having to play the guessing game.

I’m an independent, strong woman. However, when I really need my man, he should know that because he loves me. I shouldn’t have to ask.” – We all know mind reading is supposed to be avoided in every relationship and any relationship, but unfortunately, that’s what many western women are actually thinking about. Maybe not every woman is consciously thinking about that, yet women might think it feels less meaningful or romantic if they have to ask.

Second, not every woman knows exactly what she wants; nevertheless, she knows something isn’t quite right, and she thinks her man should fix it.

In reality, a lot of women still think that it is men’s responsibility to fix problems in relationships. This is sad but true.

As I see it, a person is fully responsible for his/her life and happiness. (If everyone has this mindset and attitude, this world will become a much better place!)

Also, most people never learned how to communicate effectively in romantic relationships. Most individuals learn things through trial and error – they learn it the hard way. Sometimes, they can’t even learn the lessons after a relationship ended in a painful manner.

  • Love VS resentment:

Resentment often grows when you become your partner’s emotional caretaker (or even physical caretaker at times). You keep looking after your partner and keep giving & giving & giving….

Some people have a pattern: They are always the emotional caretaker in every relationship they’ve had because they tend to choose someone that they can take care of – if a person is very independent, that person can leave the relationship at any time. As a result, psychologically, choosing someone that needs to be looked after is a safer option – this person wouldn’t leave the relationship. Then the emotional caretaker wonders why they always have resentment in relationships.

When you feel that your partner is draining you, you need to ask for more – be more demanding!

Asking for more is not easy because a lot of people don’t feel that they are worth it. They only feel that they are worth it if they are doing something for somebody.

Start looking for more independent people in the first place, so you don’t have to be the emotional caretaker!

The giver often has this fear: “If I suddenly start to ask for something, my partner might leave me / my partner won’t like me this much.” So, the giver holds back their needs. This is bad for the relationship because a deep connection is built on honesty; not saying what you really want is dishonesty. You don’t trust that your partner can handle who you really are, so detachment arises.

If telling the truth (asking for what you want) actually makes your partner leave you, that means this is not the right person for you. It’s better to tell the truth sooner rather than later because you don’t want to find out the relationship isn’t right for you 3 years in the relationship – you’d better find it out within 3 months!

“You need to be brave enough and honest enough to ask for what you need, point out where you don’t like something and explain what your partner has to do in order to make you happy. If this idea terrifies you, you must work on 1) your communication skills – communicate from a place of strength; 2) your self-worth: there is probably a self-worth issue going on right now where you don’t feel worthy of having your needs met.”

Tagged with relationship advice

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